Well, I’ve been sorting out my feelings of discontent, and this is not new to some of you. I still have my battles, but this is what I’ve come up with over the last couple of weeks:
A friend called a week or so ago and after asking how I was said she didn’t want to hear me down on myself when I expressed concern about my weight. Then she proceeded to tell me that she’ll always remember something my best friend told her about always being happy for a baby and how she is always happy when she’s pregnant. She then went on to tell me all the very many ways she thinks I’m blessed and acted like I wasn’t happy about this baby. In the end I just told her that I had been grumpy and everybody is getting on my nerves, and this conversation wasn’t helping me.
Here’s the thing~I don’t talk to many people about my woes. I would never want to share something about someone to make another disrespect them, for one thing. Plus y’all know I think talking about it can further breed more discontent! I really AM very thankful and blessed, but that doesn’t negate that life can be difficult. When I’m not pregnant I can call someone when I’m down, listen as they share about their problems, and then think better of telling them mine so as not to detract from them. When I’m pregnant, I make the few I’ll share with listen~but then it backfires. Right now my politeness is gone, and I feel like I listen to them moan and try to be encouraging, but when I’m having a hard time everybody has to play hardball with me.
So then I’m even grumpier!
I actually feel GREAT physically! I don’t feel depressed either, although in the past I have struggled with hormone-induced depression during pregnancy. It’s just that I have some everyday difficulties (like everybody else) that I usually choose to keep a positive attitude about. When I’m pregnant, I don’t handle those same things quite as well sometimes~they were hard before, they seem really hard now. So I guess I wish my friends (who are not used to me sharing such things) would acknowledge for a moment that my life (again, like everybody else’s) can be hard sometimes instead of poo poo me and act like I’m just the most blessed woman in the world. I AM! but that doesn’t mean I never struggle.
i.e. I’m not looking forward to seeing my breath in our cold hallway this winter. NOT a sob story~it‘s just a hallway! but not necessarily exciting either.
Now jump with me back into the present: I am crying over EVERYTHING. For example, today a family member showed up during naptime, and true to who I am I didn’t say it wasn’t a good time. I really just wanted and needed a nap and was soooo frustrated! Plus I know if it gets any later, my 2yos will have to forego a nap or be up all night….
(Okay, interjection here~this person once told me I had a Jezebel spirit because I get upset when things don’t go my way, but this same person can pop by unannounced several times a week, I’m ALWAYS bending over backward for them in very many other ways too numerous to expound upon, and I‘m really struggling here with this relationship anyway! Then again, in all honesty, this person truly does bless us tremendously as well. A lot of it backfires and isn’t actually a blessing, but a lot of it actually is a blessing too. Do I feel obligated to take her mess?)
We finally get up there an hour to an hour-and-a-half later than our scheduled time~we’ve been working our new schedule REALLY WELL!~and cannot fall asleep. So I cry. A LOT. I blame the someone, but in truth it’s my own fault!
So now it’s snowballing in my mind as I look at ALL of my problems: Are they *all* MY FAULT? Is it just hormones? OH NO~am I getting depressed in this pregnancy too? Why do I really not seem to feel as thankful as I did before? Why do I feel soooo far away from God right now? I KNOW I am blessed, I feel thankful, but boy! My fuse is really short!
So there you have it. I’m as confused as ever, and the moment I think I’ve licked it I spiral downward again. OH I’m sure I just seem so incredibly silly, but I really, really, really just wanna go be a hermit somewhere and not deal with people at all! and here comes that little voice inside of me assuring me that my problems are so menial compared to the struggles of sooo many others! ~sigh~ I’m sure I really am making it all way more complicated than it is in reality… It’s like I feel selfish and justified all at the same time….
(((((HUGS))))) sandi~SURELY a work in progress!
P.S. I can’t believe I just aired out all my “dirty laundry” on the internet! YIKES! I must really be desperate….
